Did you know plants “scream” when being eaten? Quite peculiar isn’t it.
To me it makes the sensation only better, thinking about the carrot you’re murdering with a great crunch biting of its body, piece by piece. Just letting in all the pain and suffering of the innocent vegetable. I could understand if some vegans - at the sound of this - would stop eating altogether, like Ghandi did. But seeing as this report has a certain subject which I am required to stick to, I will also have to talk about a great adventure to the outskirts of humanity, Bath.
Which, luckily also includes carrots to a certain degree (two kilos to be exact).
It was around 6AM, darkness enveloped the house, it was Tuesday. An hour later I would, still under the cover of darkness, depart for a minimalistic and poorly planned crusade (for we had completely forgotten our weapons and our numbers were far too low). For this we compensated by just quickly covering up the idea of a crusade and turning it into what they called: “a tourist trip”(sounds menacing). Our journey proceeded very smoothly for we were never held up by traffic (the M25 orbital motorway can be a real pain). Our carriage rolled forward across the deserted landscape until we finally arrived at our destination: Bath.
Our first day consisted of setting up camp and scouting the surrounding lands. And as night fell over the city, we headed back to the residence to get some rest. Those with lesser bladders were allowed to either take their ease or pluck a rose (which seems damn useless to me if you really need to urinate but that’s not up to me to judge).
The second day consisted of an in-depth tour of the city by a native.His explanation contained a lot of fruitful details about the city’s history, although we were no longer able to make use of the weakened city defences which he so nicely pointed out, for we had forgotten our weapons*.
The afternoon consisted of us paying a visit to an ancient temple and burial ground. It didn’t look like it had been restored for what must have been at least a few decades. Nevertheless it was an overwhelming sight to behold. Our way back to our carriage consisted of an almost one hour long walk through fields and forests, where we gazed at the oak trees as we heard the acorns elegantly trickle down the lower branches. The evening was filled by a display of modern impressionism called: “Film”. In our case this “film” was labelled “The hitman’s bodyguard”.
We would later find out the reason why.
During the third days morning, we were once again greeted by our carriage, which was disappointing for we were hoping for some of those nice sedan chairs we had heard about the other day.
We drove with our carriage into the town's centre and were welcomed into the Roman Baths, which we weren’t allowed to bathe in (as expected of the English). But from the information we gathered, we quickly learned that it was apparently constructed many moons ago. Because for some reason the Georgians hated trees (don’t ask me why), there wasn’t a single one to be seen inside the bathhouse. During the afternoon we took the carriage to Cheddar, where we went to explore some geological oddities peculiar to this region (like caves and cliffs). The most important part was that in between these two events I had managed to score some carrots which came in very handy here (as they do everywhere else because of the high carb count.). I had also thought ahead and brought a book on Krsna which I traded with a monk on the street for the rock bottom price of a single pound.
But despite us now being armed with carrots we were still headed for a dreadful evening. Not in the form of an undefeatable enemy, no it was far worse: An unfunny comedian! And even though the entry price was almost equal to an arm and a leg, they still insisted we would go on with the journey. We got to see some blasphemous acts against carrots; they were filthfully wasted by being beheaded and not eaten afterwards (I have since contacted the vegetable police to look into this matter.). As you will have realized by now it was only in our best interests to toodle pip as soon as possible.
Unfortunately, they wouldn’t let us, so we were forced to listen to jokes about doors, windows and catflaps: “The horror!”
The worst thing however was that we had a 2- hour delay on the way back the next day, the bright spot being that it gave us more time to consume carrots.
Oh, and I completely forgot to tell you about the visit to two incredibly important and stunning castles, but I guess I won’t anymore because that would just not fit in very well with the story anymore.
To cut a long story short: we tried to conquer but we couldn’t for obvious reasons
(yeah, it was the weapons.).
Niels Schelleman V6
*see ch1 par2